Past Year Story

Hello! It’s 2nd month of 2018!

It’s been really a long time not to write on this blog. About 5 months since my last post. Well actually I wrote some shitty post, then I deleted it. And this post is about my experience, I don’t know is it good or bad one.

Now I’m lying on my bed and wonder how come I pass through the past tough year. Let me tell you some stories. I don’t write this to beg your attention. I just want to share that some hard feelings could be really a good thing to make you better.

Last year was the hardest moment and lowest path for me. Too many small problems that accumulated in my mind. I regretted the past that I knew it would never change. I doubt about my present abilities. I feared about the future, about what I will be. I drowned in my over-thinking.

On the other hand, the emptiness started to grow. I am an independent person that used to do everything by myself. I was jealous of every person who always had a friend to help him/her or simply to talk with. And I don’t have one. I thought that no one understands me. They were never stood in my place, never step in my step, so they would never really understand, right? So, I kept whatever in my mind just in me, closed it tightly, covered it perfectly.

I gave my society a bunch of smiles. I hardly adapt to their jokes, laughed, but I didn’t understand. What I realized inside was I couldn’t deal with extrovert easily. But yeah, the day must go on with a mask.

Time by time, I felt more complicated. Guilt, fear, anxiety, somehow haunted me in every way I did. I thought that I was just a shit and useless person. Every night I tried to sleep, but I couldn’t. I stayed awake with closed eyes until the dawn come. I didn’t have enough sleep for a couple of weeks. I was fragile both physically and emotionally.

At a point, I thought I can’t handle my loneliness, I decided to seek for help. I was quite a sane to understand whatever I feel would lead me to depression, and the worst, suicidal. Then I sat in the same room with a psychologist. She said that I did a great movement to come before everything gonna be worse.

She listened to me deeply. Maybe she didn’t know me, but she never judges me for what I feel. So, I felt secure to share what I face. She gave me some advices. I’ll tell you in a different time, I think. But, in essence, she said that I should release my over-thinking and accept everything I get.

I tried to deal with myself by accepting. Maybe I’m good at this, so I’m no longer complaining about the bad luck happened to me. I gained a better sleep than before.

And I tried whatever I could to decrease my over-thinking. But in this case, I expressed my feelings in a wrong way. When someone told me, I started to change. But I didn’t regret because I thought that it was part of self-healing. Everyone made a mistake and everyone deserves a better chance, right?

Sometimes people only need a good listener, who not only hearing but listening. And an understanding from their society for not judge them before knowing their stories.

If you think you feel like what I feel, don’t be hesitated to seek for help. Please don’t destroy yourself…

For every people who read this post, remember that not every smile keeps a good thing. You don’t have any idea how can a smile hide a bunch of bad feeling. Open your eyes and ears, maybe your family or your close friends need your help. And please, don’t judge easily…

Thank you for reading this far. It’s a long story, right? This is really what happened to me. I did great, didn’t I? (Just tell me I did great ;))

 

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